Ask Bhabi Jii: I Was Kept A Secret By My Indian Husband So I Made Our Relationship Public
In this series 'Ask Bhabi Jii' I publish questions from readers along with my response based on my opinion and personal experience. I encourage fellow readers to reach out and share your experiences and opinions so that it may assist the writer and any future readers in similar circumstances.
In the interest of privacy the writer's identity will always be kept anonymous. Therefore questions are edited to change any information that may be revealing. No nasty or distasteful comments will be accepted, this is a supportive community to share experiences with no judgement.
I Was Kept A Secret By My Indian Husband So I Made Our Relationship Public
Dear The White Punjabi Bride,
My Indian husband of 4 months still has not told his family about us; they never even knew we were dating, let alone married. One evening I was extremely hurt by this and wrongly made this public on my Facebook page. I updated my Facebook page with pictures of us dating throughout the year, changing my status to being married to him and tagged him, changed my nickname to my now married name (which he refused I take), as well as sending a friend request to his brother and another relative.
I know I was wrong to do this but I was so hurt that he has kept me a secret and continues to do so. He said he would tell his family and friends about me when the time is right, yet 16 months later he hasn't told them and it makes me feel worthless. It has been the underlying cause of all of our fights.
Now that everyone knows, he's letting them believe it was for a "green card" even though we know it wasn't that type of marriage and he truly loves me. But ever since we got married, I know he resents me and feels as though I forced him to marry me. He wasn't ready but married me anyway.
He changes the moment we took our vows and we have been fighting ever since we got married because this is not what he wants. He wants to still be a bachelor yet married with all of the perks that come along with marriage.
I am by far not innocent in this, I should have been more understanding but can't help feeling like I am not an important part of his life, despite being married and having love present. I don't know what to do. Now he says that he wants to go home to India to visit family, to which I encouraged, but he wants to stay for 2 months.
Help, I'm lost, hurt and confused.
Anonymous > > >
Thanks for reaching out to me, it’s lovely to hear from you.
I’m sorry to hear about your circumstances. It sounds like a challenging situation to be in. I certainly don’t blame you for your actions so surely your partner will also understand. Being kept a secret is difficult enough, but not having any light at the end of the tunnel as to when things will change only leads to doubt.
Which is why it’s so important for couples to have some form of action plan in place so that it doesn’t become the underlying cause of all fights due to feelings of worthlessness. Simply saying that he will do it one day isn’t good enough as tomorrow never comes. You both need to be involved in the process and set goals together. Even if that goal is in five years time, at least you have a commitment and feel like a priority.
The biggest question to ask yourself is why you were being kept a secret. Being kept a secret is not uncommon when dating outside of their own culture. This is because many families in India still hold very traditional views on marriage, one being that you should marry a good Indian boy or girl. Given that arranged marriages are still prevalent in the Indian society, many elders expect to be involved in choosing their son or daughters partner.
Therefore when a son moves abroad and dates outside of his culture he isn't able to tell his parents of his relationship without great precaution and planning. However on the flip side there are many who won't tell their parents simply because they just aren't that into you. There is no point going through the drama should he not be serious in dating outside his culture and going against his parent's wishes, when he knows he’s going to have an arranged marriage anyway.
Which is why understanding your partners motives for keeping you a secret is important. You mention that he still wants to be a bachelor yet married with all the perks. Do you simply mean he wants to live a bachelor lifestyle and wasn’t ready to settle down, yet have the perks of marriage with no responsibilities. Or are you implying that he wants to keep his options open yet still have the conveniences of marriage.
I ask as these situations are so similar yet so different. As a relationship can be salvaged if it was just a matter of marrying too early. His actions speak volumes if he wasn’t ready to marry but did so to keep you happy. This demonstrates his willingness to make things work despite being kept a secret. He obviously was aware that being a secret was difficult for you and married you to show his commitment. Your partner wanting to go to India for two months could simply just be to put everyone at ease and do some damage control. But it really depends on what you believe the answer to the question is. If he genuinely wasn’t ready for marriage because he knew his parents are traditionally minded then I’m sure there’s hope to repair your relationship. Spending two months there simply sounds to me that he wants to maximise his time spent with family. But again it depends on what you believe his motives to be.
However even if your partner’s motives for keeping you a secret are genuine, you need to consider if you’re comfortable potentially remaining a secret for years to come. Or being known as the green card wife until he decides the time is right to have that discussion with his family. But he should definitely include you in the decision making process.
Otherwise those feelings of doubt and worthlessness will resurface, and rightfully so as he needs to consciously make an effort to prioritise your relationship. If he can’t tell anyone about your relationship yet, then he needs to take steps to achieve this at a future date, so there’s light at the end of the tunnel for you.
So it comes down to what you believe is your partners motives for keeping you a secret. If you believe the relationship is worth fighting for then you can only give him the time he needs in India. Which you have already encouraged him to do so. But make sure he’s ready to sit down and discuss the situation with you when he returns.
I do hope everything turns out for the best!
The White Punjabi Bride
Stay tuned as there is more to this story. I'll update this post when I receive more information. However based on what has taken place thus far what do you lovely readers think?